AN UNLIKELY CANDIDATE
I am the most unlikely candidate of all.
I could never capture in words the profound inner experience I am having in regard to this pandemic. I feel as if I am being revealed at the deepest level. Every day a new insight arises that knocks me for a loop.
And that has been my prayer from the very onset.
In mid-March, when America started being directly impacted by Covid-19, I had already been anticipating that something profound was stirring in the collective consciousness. I had been sensing that a grand reckoning was going to unfold at the global level. It seemed clear to me that the way in which humanity had been living and treating our earth and each other was no longer sustainable. I set my sights on what I perceived to be a new world arising. A new vision that would lead to a more harmonious world that would work for all beings.
I have not lost sight of that arising vision.
I sure did not think, though, that the arising would look like this.
I did not intuit that at the time of this writing over 140,000 Americans would have perished as a result of this virus. Most experts would conclude that the number is grossly underreported. I surely did not foresee that my own best friend would be one of those casualties. Even as I have witnessed and grieved that and those losses, I have maintained an awareness that something else is arising that absolutely needs to be seen. A cosmic unveiling is underway. It is devastating in its effects. It has demanded that we distance and physically disconnect. While many have not heeded that call, I believe it to be a most crucial part of the healing of this pandemic.
We need to collectively take a time out and do some deep and relentless soul searching. We need to face the collective effects but see them at the individual level. We each need to stop and look courageously inside. We are called to allow for a grand reboot. A resetting of consciousness. An excavation of what we say we believe and how we actually live. This is a time to reclaim all blame. To bring back all projections and move deeply into the shadow from which they came. This is a time to forgive our unforgiveness. To release our resentments. To give to God our grievances. It is time to literally come clean.
Though I have been working fulltime throughout these months I have also claimed time to really stop and to examine my own deeper interior. While it is tempting to fall into believing my assessments of how others are handling this tragedy, I do not allow myself to stay in that fallacy. I have become clearer than ever that there is one person I can do anything about.
Without denying or deadening the externals of what is happening I am choosing to run all of it through my own internal energy system. I want to know what I have not known. I want to see what I could not or would not see. I want to know what toxicity has gone viral in me that has contributed to a collective poisoning of consciousness. I want to know what and who I have blamed for my pain. I want to know what my unconscious priorities have been so that I may reset them consciously.
In short, I want to awaken to what is running this show.
I want to know this not only from a strictly personal perspective. I want to know this in order that I may open to a new order and a new reality for the sake of all beings. I want to get over myself in order that my myself to be used in service of the greater good. I want to be freed from the limiting programs that shroud my heart and dim my Light.
More than ever I want to live and to love in service to the world.
The multiple epiphanies that have occurred as a result of my internal excavations have confirmed for me that I am a most unlikely candidate to do what I do here in this world. I am clearer than ever that I have nothing to teach others that they do not already know. There is no reason that anyone should follow my leadings. There is nothing in me that is special or enlightened. If there is any gift that I have to give it is the gift of an unwavering and relentless commitment to doing my own inner work. It is the day in and day out taking of responsibility of what happens in here, regardless of what is happening out there. If that is worth learning from, then watch me fumble and learn from my many failings. If you want to follow my lead in learning from everything by denying nothing, then so be it. Just know that you can only walk beside me and never behind me. I am always willing to learn from you, and I cannot do so if I always need to turn around to look.
Indeed, I am the least likely candidate of all.
Now, if there are any of you reading this that perceive this to be self-deprecating you are not hearing what I am saying. I am reflecting on what is finally setting me free. If there is a superpower that I possess it is the knowing that by acknowledging my weaknesses, there becomes room for a greater strength. It is the knowing that I of myself do not know that gives birth to a deeper knowing. There is a rooted certainty that I of myself can do nothing. And in illogical ways that admission gives way to empowered living and transformative loving.
I am indeed a most unlikely candidate for expressing the vocation I know I am here to express. What fuels that expression on a day to day basis is that I know how unlikely a candidate I am. From that realization I do not get lost in a role I think I have to play. I do not lead with pretense but follow the One presence. I do not fall into the trap of believing the occasional accolades, or the Light projections cast upon me. That is not altruistic. That just means I subsequently do not have to identify with the evaluations and criticisms that frequently come with what I do. You put it out there and someone will always comment on it.
I am a most unlikely candidate. Yet there is no election I am trying to win.
To minister during a world pandemic is so daunting that it is at times devastating. It would be more devastating if I thought I personally had to do it. My mantra for thirty years has been “how may I serve?” I pra that prayer daily. I also pray for a daily moment of true humility and just one moment of wisdom in this lifetime. Then I follow the ensuing impulses. With every breath I have left I pray to serve. Imperfectly yet radically. Humbly yet wisely.
So, this unlikely candidate is electing to spend this time apart allowing for a deep reckoning inside of me. I am keeping the majority of my vision on the interior. I am committed to coming out of this unprecedented time with less of me and more of what I truly am.
And if you think that is worth listening to or walking with then walk beside me. I may be unlikely, but I am relentless and often even audacious. That is the gift I came to give. Unlikely. Often unlovable. Yet electing to remain a candidate for God happening. For God can shine in and as someone as unlikely as me.